Stranger than Fiction…

There are things about me that my children do not know. No – I’m not talking about those sorts of things, smutty people. I’m talking about weird and wonderful habits and foibles I have developed over the years that make me happy, cheer me up, or simply allow me to function properly.

In order of weirdness, they are:

1. Writing down the name of the rail station where my car is parked – on my hands. Yes, plural. So I don’t forget to get off the train at the right place. This is a good system until it gets cold or the lights go off in the train tunnel. Mittens play havoc with my personal SatNav. It can also look a little like a very sad, homemade tattoo – a display of solidarity support for various South-Eastern towns. For some towns, I am tempted to add M U V V A on my knuckles too.

2. Eating Heinz baby food for lunch. Secretly. In the office. I have a particular predilection for Lamb and Vegetable Risotto for main course followed by Apricot Custard for dessert. I like to eat them cold and straight from the tin. I justify it by telling myself they are low in salt and nutritionally balanced. They also mean I don’t have to chew – infinitely preferable to fighting my way down a French stick and bearing the facial scars to show for it.

3. “Discussing” things with inanimate objects: bags of dog food, pillows, the car dashboard etc. Some days, after a day in the office, it is the most sensible conversation I get. It’s not madness, it’s simply getting across my point of view. Always and without argument.

I could go on, there are many more. But you get the picture. 

Then, of course, there are the things they DO know about, and accept as absolutely normal:

1. I love model villages. Yes, really. Bekonscot has been known to make me faint.

2. I like “mini” things. The minier the better. My latest is mini dental floss. Awesome.

3. I have a violent aversion, resulting in acute gagging, to rubber gloves. Any colour, any thickness. I’m shuddering now. When I was having the children, I did my own examinations during labour. It was easier that way. Gross, but true, I’m afraid.

4. I absolutely, unequivocally and completely ADORE Julian Clary. Both as a man and a woman. In another life, I want to come back as his mother.

So, in consequence, it is a testament to my two wonderful mini-beasts that they are as normal and well-balanced as they appear to be. It certainly is not because of their upbringing. In these days of social instability; when parenting, environment and culture are being blamed for everything that is not quite right; it is a comfort to know that I have not been responsible for damaging them. That normality reigns, against all the odds. So far.

Now then, where did I put that teaspoon…..I’m hungry again.



About pigletinapoke

I am a forty-something married mum of two, working in London and commuting a crazy amount of hours so I can enjoy living at the coast at weekends! I'm into netball, jointly coaching and running a successful ladies club. I also sail whenever I get the chance and took part in the Trans-Atlantic leg of the Clipper Round The World yacht race in 2009. I like movies, particularly stuff by Nancy Meyers in whose set designs I want to spend my life. I devour novels, biographies and anything to do with self-improvement. I like to drive fast and live slightly dangerously, attempting to experience everything and everywhere before my time is up. That's me in a nutshell - I hope you enjoy my blog. If you would like to use any of my articles or the pics, I would appreciate very much if you could ask me first. Never known to refuse to date. Thanks!

Posted on August 11, 2011, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. haha this made me laugh so much – we all have ‘weirdness’ in us dont we – one of me oddballs is pushing the car when i get out of it to make sure I put the handbrake on and if you saw me negotiating a publc toilet well you might well call in the men in white coats!

    Do love your writing on your hands one – that made me chuckle

  2. Well, glad it’s not just me talking to – no, chatting with, inanimate objects. Writing on hands to remember stuff is a canny trick, I just look blank then weep with shame, self pity and despair that I’m so useless. But the baby food? I did have a predilection for it until I was about seven (and bizarrely – Heinz lamb dinner always a fave too). I’ll leave you to the baby food. I’ll stick with my Flumps. Nice blog. Will follow with interest.

    • Thank you! Yes, the baby food is a little disturbing but I rationalise that one of these days I will have no teeth – I’ve slipped in to pureed mulch a little early, that’s all. Thx for reading x

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