It Ain’t News, Baby, It’s Newborns…
I’m incensed. What the heck is going on out there? Tonight’s newspaper has got me all in a lather. It’s full of Justin Bieber’s new baby and Hugh Grant’s addition to the world.
Firstly some questions: Was either of these recent newborns the one that pushed our planet over its recommended fill level of seven billion people? The 8-pounder that set-off the DEFCON 1 buzzer in some underground bunker somewhere as our bulging planet wobbled unsteadily on its straining little axis? Is Justin Bieber responsible not only for a generation of Haircut 100 lookey-likeys but also irretrievably melting the polar ice-cap with his offspring’s first hot breath? Is Hugh Grant single-handedly to blame for increased intensive farming (including all those free-burping bovines) to feed the additional spawn of an unfortunate slip of his trouser zip?
Well, their impact on planetary disaster aside, I’d just like to know what the heck they think they’re doing? Just why are two of the world’s least attractive male celebrities arrogantly reproducing themselves? Isn’t it enough that we have Mickey “Munted” Rourke and Elton “Pass Me A Balaclava” John shattering their own dressing room mirrors without bringing more fugly to the fore?
More importantly, what are the baby-mothers doing bringing two children into the world seemingly without a passing thought? Call me old-fashioned but newspaper hearsay indicates neither man promised a fairytale ending to either woman, yet still they had those children. It is hard to know the whole story but their motives have to be questionable, don’t they?
Now before everyone thinks I am anti-single mums – I am not. Absolutely not. I’m not particularly pro-abortion either. But I am all for people having safe sex; rational forethought for the consequences before random shagging; and, thick latex condoms (the thicker the better in Hugh’s case – all we need is another grumpy sod like him in the world). I am for considering the commitment, not just financial, of being a parent whether singly or otherwise. And for the dad being more than 10 years old (Justin – I know you say you are older but the photos say otherwise).
I am certainly against children bred as bargaining chips or for the “kudos” of having celebrity genes in them which I can’t help but presume to be partly the cases here.
The adults involved in these situations and others like them can take care of themselves. I don’t give a fig about them or the decisions they make for themselves. The children involved, however, will forever be able to look back to the day they were born and read newspaper and magazine articles declaring their birth announcements and the printed statements that the biological dads didn’t plan them and didn’t really want to be involved. Children seemingly born on purpose because of who their dads are (although if JB was my dad, I’d probably keep that quiet). Children born to celebrity financial support and making a living off a tenuous link to fame for their mothers and, perhaps, themselves later on.
What a great start in life. How fabulous for their self-esteem. What a pair of absolute selfish plonkers Justin Brace-Face and Hugh Grunt are. All the more crass and irresponsible when you consider the news also features a footballer making a moving goal-celebratory tribute to his newborn who died a few days ago. In other words a Dad – not a celebrity sperm donor.
Anyone else out there agree? Or shall I don my Victorian night-gown, blow out the candle and just go to bed?
Photo credit: http://dailymail.co.uk via Google Images